Ho ho, will those bumbling ninnies ever do anything right? A man so powerful he can enlist wave after wave of gang members, then police, then the fucking army in the pursuit of his personal revenge (they all having nothing better to do, what with China being such a notoriously peaceful, unmilitarized country and everything.) From there, the plot is like a recent car accident victim: staggering back and forth with bits of windscreen in its face for a while before finally collapsing and bleeding out into a roadside ditch.
Kane and Lynch, gritty realism's answer to Laurel and Hardy (if Laurel occasionally forgot to take his meds and shot the hostages), are in Shanghai for an arms deal and while idly passing the time shooting some locals (in a very gritty, realistic way) accidentally kill someone they shouldn't have and provoke the most powerful man in China. The plot is so flimsy it's painful, like a man with no bones in his arms trying to serve your coffee. You think they'd be better at tucking their heads in, what with all the time they spend sniffing their own farts. I thought the prerequisite of cover combat is that when you're in cover the enemy can't shoot you, but Kane and Lynch beg to differ. At all other times, it's got nothing but same old cover-based shooting and technically doesn't even have that. In all fairness, Kane & Lynch 2 does occasionally pretend to be a stealth game, the kind of stealth game where every enemy on the map becomes alerted to your exact position the moment one guard spots half an inch of your pimply bum. They go through all the trouble researching appropriate outfits for periods and the setting, drawing the concept art, painstakingly modeling and animating the characters, and then what? They get stuck behind bits of wall on the far side of murky rooms and you might as well have dressed them up in cardboard boxes and bunny slippers. Why? Because it's boring, it's overdone and I feel sorry for the artists. You can still have it, in all its chest-high wall, pop-up shooting gallery tedium, but you've gotta have something else, even if it's just a Cooking Mama-style minigame during the celebratory post-firefight barbecue. You know cover-based combat? You're not allowed to base your whole game around that any more. Okay, I'm going to establish a new rule now.
If you want to smear shit on your face to make an ironic statement, then more power to you, but you still smell like arse. I know they're deliberately trying to make it look terrible, but they succeed so well it's actually sickening. Bright light sources have vertical bar lens flare things that look awful, and characters all have this weird black haze around their heads like they're attracting swarms of flies. And I suspect he found his camcorder in a bin.
And when you try sprinting, Christ it's like his kneecaps have been replaced with slinkies.
The reason for this is because the game pretends like it's being filmed on a handheld camera apparently held by some unseen third character, an aspiring documentary filmmaker who no one ever acknowledges and is either a heavy drinker or constantly busting for a piss, because he wavers like a lifeboat with delirium tremens. Still, doesn't hurt to play safe, so here's a nice quote for the box art: " Kane & Lynch 2: Dog Days is a game so intense it literally physically assaults you!" Because after playing for the four or five hours necessary to complete it, it gave me a headache like I'd been skullfucked with Pinocchio's splintery todger. Solidarity, therefore, was the main ingredient in my root beer float of reasons why I didn't review Kane & Lynch 1, with a hefty scoop of the ice cream of "couldn't be arsed." But now Kane & Lynch 2 is out I sincerely hope the developers don't intend to follow the same policy as last time, because if they do there will not be a reviewer left employed by the end of the month! Or, to put that another way, Kane & Lynch 2 is worse than deep-fried tampons.
#Kane and lynch 2 dog days max settings free#
But reflect on what huge masochists the developers of Kane & Lynch must be, famously having gotten Jeff Gerstmann fired from Gamespot for not realizing that the Gamespot "Super Sellout Saver" advertiser package included a free happy ending on the review table. I've been quoted as saying that "the cruelest thing you can do to an artist is tell them their work is perfect when it isn't." It's a policy that has gotten me thrown out of a lot of fingerpainting classes.
0 kommentar(er)
